While I was preparing for my Second Degree Black Belt, there was one day in particular that was really difficult and dark. It is hard to describe why, but it was just one of those days when I was struggling, I couldn’t remember any of my skills or techniques and I lost all my confidence.
We were training really hard and I got slammed by the bokken (a wooden sword) a couple of times. So in addition to my frustration, I was sore, bruised and uncomfortable.
When I walked in the door at home after training at the dojo, my head was hanging low and my body was feeling dejected.
But somehow in that place of truth, I knew it was a sacred moment. I knew it was better if I did not “just get through” this time.?? Instead I had to just but be IN it. Stay with it and feel it and allow it to be so. The words or thoughts that “it was all going to be ok” did not help me (even though I knew they were true.)
So without trying to cheer myself up or brush off the struggle and discomfort, I decided to just be in it.
Eventually it went away, the bruises inside and out, my fears, lack of confidence and frustration all worked themselves out by the time I took my test.
I am so glad I stuck with it and allowed myself to feel all the pain as well as the accomplishments.
And on Sunday August 21, I did it – I passed the exam and received my new rank!
Thanks everyone for all the good words of encouragement, I really appreciate it!